In one line: Everyone has a default way of handling conflict. Knowing yours, and deliberately choosing the style that fits the situation, is the first step to handling conflict well.
Core idea
The Thomas–Kilmann model describes conflict behavior along two dimensions: assertiveness (how hard you pursue your own concerns) and cooperativeness (how hard you pursue the other party’s). Their combinations give five modes:
quadrantChart title Conflict modes x-axis Uncooperative --> Cooperative y-axis Unassertive --> Assertive quadrant-1 Collaborating quadrant-2 Competing quadrant-3 Avoiding quadrant-4 Accommodating Compromising: [0.5, 0.5]
How it works
| Mode | Character | Use it when… | Overuse costs |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competing | assertive, uncooperative | a quick, firm decision is vital (safety, ethics) | resentment, silence |
| Collaborating | assertive, cooperative | both sides’ concerns are too important to trade off | time, energy |
| Compromising | middle on both | a fair, expedient split is good enough | mediocre outcomes |
| Avoiding | unassertive, uncooperative | the issue is trivial or emotions need to cool | festering problems |
| Accommodating | unassertive, cooperative | you’re wrong, or the relationship matters more | being taken for granted |
- No mode is “best.” Skill means fitting the mode to the stakes and the relationship.
- Assessments reveal defaults, not destiny. Many people find the result accurate for low-stakes conflict but notice that they shift under stress.
In practice
Technical teams commonly default to avoiding (keeping the peace) or competing (winning the technical argument). Both can sink a program: avoided disagreements resurface at integration, and won arguments create quiet opponents. Before a hard discussion, it helps to decide on purpose which mode the situation calls for, rather than letting your habit decide.
Questions to ask yourself
- What is my default mode, and in what situations does it fail me?
- Which mode do I almost never use, and when would it have helped?
- In my current disagreement, what matters more, the issue or the relationship?
Connections
- The skills behind the modes: Conflict Resolution Competencies. Structured approach: Principled Negotiation.
- Team-level failure: Five Dysfunctions of a Team (fear of conflict). Self-regulation: Emotional Intelligence.
- Capabilities exercised: Negotiating and Compromise, Interpersonal Skills, Courage.